The Rat Race

I feel stressed and uncomfortable and have no idea what to do about it. I do not look forward to my second year of A Levels. Even the idea of bad grades terrifies me. These feelings intensify within me when I look around and watch people juggling so many things at the same time. They study, do a bunch of extracurriculars, conduct services and get the time to enjoy life all the same. I do not feel jealous or envious towards them, I just feel like an incapable and procastinative person when I see such people.

The world is truly a rat race, just like Bob Marley said. However, this rat race is becoming faster day by day. My feet are starting to stumble around and I have no vehicle to aid me. I want to do so much. I want to achieve great things. I keep on dreaming and whenever I come back to reality for even a minute, I feel miserable. A shadow of recklessness casts over me and in this huge world where everything is related to success, I identify as an insignificant insect in a swamp. I do not know who to express these feelings to, because if I do, I will just be another anxious younster and remain an insignificant insect in a swamp.

I love studying history and literature, but not just to repeat the facts or make a critical analysis. I am fond of these subjects because they resonate with me. Today, while I was teaching my cousin ‘The Railway Children’, I unconciously started reading and was two chapters through when I realized that I was reading a book I had already read numerous times. It gave me a nostalgic feeling. I delved into the past and recalled why I loved reading all sorts of books. It gave me pleasure, stimulated my thoughts and opened to me a path of self-discovery in my little incubator.

I remember learning that you never wash anything that has egg with warm water, especially your hair. I remember realizing I was being bullied like some of my favourite characters. I also remember I stopped feeling like a depressed loner when I understood that even the most brilliant characters might not have friends. These were little things I learnt from books and they might seem meager to you, but to me these moments of learning and reflection were of great importance.

I managed to see the world with new eyes, without judgement. I saw that there are no definite protagonists or antagonists in life, just as they are none in Anna Karnina. I left my preconcieved notions behind to understand the dark humour and symbolism used by Jonathan Swift in Gulliver’s Travels.

These moments were all memorable to me but today the rat race that I am a part of, does not produce memories, it only produces results. It has become increasingly difficult for me to sit and enjoy literature or history the way I used to. I hardly read anything on my own terms now. I want to but I do not know how. However, I do know what I love and whenever I feel hesitant towards my passions, I will go back to something memorable to instigate a feeling of nostalgia and travel deep down to the roots of my first love.